Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower; and the owner's neighbours are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.

Q. What's the difference between a dead piper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. Why are a piper's fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. "Hey, Buddy. How late does the pipe band play?"
A. "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the pipe player's Porsche.

Q. What's a piper's definition of "optimism"?
A. A piper with a beeper.